Pull Thru, GURU!

Okay, I love me some hip-hop. When I was a kid all my friends were listening to hair metal, while I was busy being up with the get-down. I loved it. Still do. For me it all started with Public Enemy, The Beastie Boys, NWA, Run-DMC AND Gang Starr. The duo of DJ Premier and Guru was some next level stuff to me. The beats that Premier laid down were, are, and will always be some head-bobbin, window down volume blasting, slap the dude next to you, out of this world shit.

Ricky Williams Will Touch You For a Fee

Heisman Trophy Winner Ricky Williams massages people now. This is just bizarre:
Ricky Massage

Check out my short film on FUNNYORDIE.COM

So a while back I made a short film/video with two hilarious comics. Brent Weinbach and Christina Pazsitzky star in this short with me. After I edited it, I took the hard drive I had saved it on to a friends house to work on another project and I forgot about it…until now. I picked up the hard drive yesterday and was overjoyed to see that our short was still there. Now you can see it here:

Olympics Death

Just saw that an Olympian died today during a luge trial run. Apparently, he and some other competitors had been complaining earlier this week about the speed of this track. They were freaked out about the speed of a track they were going to race on. Unfortunately, it appears their concerns were valid and this Georgian man paid the ultimate price:
LUGE DEATH

You Give Me Boners When I Need Them

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I’ll be driving thru the city that I live in, Los Angeles, and I won’t have an erection. I have to confess that it’s quite rare that this happens. I’m usually hard all day, every day. But like I said, every once in a while there’s a solar eclipse too, right? Well, on those days when I am soft I don’t worry for too long and the reason that I don’t worry is that the Los Angeles-based clothier, American Apparel, has my back.

USC makes offer to 13 Year-old, who commits

Wow. Here’s something you don’t normally see in football. Lane Kiffin and USC have offered a scholarship to a 7th grade quarterback who has committed to the university in 2015. His name is David Sills. Here are some highlights:

What do you think? I think he looks decent. I also think the video is really over-edited, especially for a skills set type of video. There are edits between every one of his throws. I hope good things happen for this kid and I hope Lane Kiffin experiences testicular trauma at some point. That guy is a real asshole.

A Long Overdue “Thank You”

Not too long ago I wrote a pretty (rightfully) critical entry HERE  about what a nightmare it was to fly next to a wildly obese person on a Delta flight. My horrifying experience wasn’t due to a hatred of the fat. I am actually quite large (but getting smaller). I was upset more that there seemed to be nothing I could do during the flight (I later learned I’m supposed to hit the call button and demand that I or grease tits be moved) and afterwards, when I did complain to Delta, I was met with defensive hostility.

South Beach Comedy Festival & Minneapolis

First, lets get to a health update – I know you must be concerned. I AM feeling MUCH better, thank you. Thank you to all the people who have been reaching out, asking me how I’m doing. And by “all the people” I mean, you, mom. My second Z pack is working much better than the first. I’m feeling almost 100%. I’m masturbating again, so that’s good. 

Did the South Beach Comedy Festival last week. Honestly, I didn’t even know it existed, but it does and it’s good. It’s been around about 5 years or so. A lot of people came out and South Beach did it well. Cool venues, cool comics (with the exception of Jay Larson ), and one super cool party (that Larson was at, but still). Great job Comedy Central and South Beach. You put on a great, fun festival. Here are a few shots of me performing and of the after party – red carpet, celebs, you know my steeze:  (All photos courtesy of Mitchell Zachs)

Sick on a Sunday in Los Angeles

So far this year I’ve been sick twice. That’s ahead of schedule for me. I usually get sick 2 or 3 times a year with sinus infections. They really suck, but I’ve surrendered to the idea that I’m vulnerable to them. Sinus infections or sinusitis, as it’s known in the medical world, is generally accompanied by a host of symptoms. They often include, but are not limited to, nasal congestion, sinus pressure in your ears, a little irritation in your throat, coughing, headache, and lots and lots of mucus. The key to self-diagnosing an infection versus, say, being merely congested, is the color of your abundant mucus.  When you see green, you can say, “bye-bye” to Thera-Flu and Tylenol and “hello” to a real doctor and antibiotics.

America, the Beautiful

So I just got back from a few weeks of driving and doing shows. 1 week in Lake Tahoe and 1 week in Las Vegas. I learned a few things. One, that Lake Tahoe is stunning. If you haven’t been there, go. Take a camera, some wine, and someone who doesn’t mind touching you while you’re naked. It’s impressive. The mountains, the trees, the lake, it’s all really beautiful. You should go. Secondly, I’ve confirmed for the 40^th time that Las Vegas is none of those things. It’s full of assholes and you don’t need to see it.